


The Monster Inside of Me

by The_Writer_Of_Many_Things



Series: Widojest Week 2019 [7]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Longing, Pining, Sadness, Self-Doubt, Widojest - Freeform, are you secretly in love with me, caleb fights with his self-worth, day 7 of widojest week, fjord and beau are mentioned, this is very abstract
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 12:50:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19812661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Writer_Of_Many_Things/pseuds/The_Writer_Of_Many_Things
Summary: "Are you secretly in love with me?" she asks, and the weight of that question rests heavy upon him.





	The Monster Inside of Me

“Are you secretly in love with me?” Jester Lavorre asks, and Caleb Widogast is too shocked, too afraid to answer. He’s known for some time deep down that he is in love, but having the words spoken aloud is a different beast entirely. It’s terrifying, the size of his feelings for her. The monster gnashes its teeth even when he isn’t looking, and the claws rake across its own skin in an attempt to destroy itself. But the hide is impenetrable and he knows he will be forced to live in this dark space with the monster until he finds a way to crush it, to rid himself of it for good.

For now, the monster only hurts him, but he knows if the beast gets loose it will hurt others. He’s seen it before; as much as he cares for the Mighty Nein he knows what he is capable of and has vowed to himself never to let that happen again. Jester, and everyone else, is safer if he keeps his distance. Fire burns everything it touches.

“Are you secretly in love with me?” she asks, and instead of saying yes or no, he answers by showing her. He knows he shouldn’t feed the monster, that will only let it grow, but she’s right there, her bright blue eyes looking up at him with admiration and mischief twinkling and he just can’t tell her no. In battles he watches out for her as best he can, though she is often the one rescuing him. At night he makes sure she gets enough rest, sometimes volunteering to take watch so she can sleep the night through. 

She voices her concerns about her mother, how she is worried she won’t be safe or that she’s lonely, and he does his best to comfort her. Reassuring Jester seems like it isn’t hard; she puts on a good face for others and acts like things don’t bother her. But just as Jester can break through his icy exterior and make him laugh, he too can see past her front and tell how much she is hurting inside. So he encourages her best as he can, giving her a shoulder to cry on when she needs it and whispering positive happy thoughts into her ears as she drifts off to sleep.

“You are sweet on him, ya?” he asks her one day, and the monster rears out in full force. He knows she has feelings for Fjord; even when she is unsure of her answers it seems to be a given and he only does it to ask the monster to hurt him, in hopes if it draws blood it might finally be satisfied and go away. She deserves someone like Fjord, a better man, a good leader, someone who hasn’t killed everyone he loves. It’s not jealousy, exactly; the monster bears different names and none of them are flattering.

She confides in him and Beau that maybe she’s just in love with the idea of Fjord, but he watches how the two of them interact and he knows there’s something there, lurking underneath the surface. Sure they save each other, but she’s saved you too, he can’t help but think to himself. Some part of his soul refuses to let the spark in his heart die, holding on to the hope one day they will be in a safe happy place, and he will be healed and be deserving of love again.

“Do you like my painting?” she asks, and how could he not? No matter the medium or the canvas Jester is an artist. She puts her soul into her work and every little piece contains a fragment of her heart. He wants to collect them all, to hold them close to him in hopes of clinging to her light in the dark cell he has made for himself.

He traces the flowers along the wall of the house, reveling in the blue color that matches her eyes. How can something so beautiful and pure exist in this cruel world, the same world that shaped me, he wonders. She giggles at his transfixed expression and the laugh rings through his heart.

“Are you secretly in love with me?” she asks.

“Ah, but what if you are secretly in love with me?” He dares to reflect the question back to her. It’s foolish, he’s just asking for another swipe from the monster, but the words are out of his mouth before he has time to think. They’re sitting there, enjoying the sunrise for the first time since they allied with the Krynn Dynasty, and Caleb has to ruin the moment. He winces, knowing what’s to come.

“Of course I am, silly.” She looks down into her mug of cocoa, refusing to meet his gaze. “I can’t believe you had to ask.”

There’s a chuckle, and she wraps the blanket a little tighter around her. It’s quiet, save for the chirping of birds, and the silence lingers for a moment between them. He’s numb from shock, fear and awe. For the first time in months the monster inside him is stunned; it doesn’t know how to lash out to this, how to use this to hurt him.

His hand, resting on the railing of their inn’s balcony, feels a weight on top of it, and he looks down to see her hand. Her fingers intertwine with his, and the sudden warmth of her compassion overwhelms him. “Jester, you don’t-”

She pulls him around to face her and before he can stop her, she’s planted her lips on his. It’s a soft, simple kiss, but it’s enough to stop his protests. As she pulls away she buries her face in his chest and wraps her arms around him.

It takes him a minute to adjust to her presence, but he settles into her, resting his chin on her head and holding her in his arms. The two of them stay there as the sun rises, quiet and unmoving. The monster inside Caleb has transformed, and whatever its name is now he has plenty of time to figure it out. For this morning though, he allows himself to just enjoy her presence, drinking in her face, her smell, her soul.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! It has been a pleasure to participate in Widojest Week in 2019. To everyone who has read these this week or will read them in the future, I can't thank you enough for all the support, kudos and feedback I have received. As always, extra special appreciation goes to 3fling.tumblr.com for the moral support and help throughout this week and always. Here's to Jester and Caleb!


End file.
